Anger Management

---

"Anger is never without reason, but seldom a good one"
-Benjamin Franklin

• Anger is simply energy, a normal human response to some trigger or stimuli
• Anger is generally a mask for underlying feelings of hurt, pain, or helplessness
• Letting go of the anger is okay and should be done, but only in a way that is harmless to the individual and others
• Anger is a learned response and can be unlearned with commitment and effort
• A person should acknowledge the anger, recognize what it feels and looks like, clarify it, and take full RESPONSIBILITY of the anger

Some barriers to expressing anger include:

• Fear of disapproval – others will not approve of my feelings
• Fear of the power of my anger – may hurt others physically/emotionally
• Denial – not acknowledging or clarifying the anger
• Allowing others to deny your right to be angry – not being able to vent
• Not clear of what anger is – not sure what it feels like

Constructive ways to deal with anger include:

• Sports
• Hitting a pillow
• Punching bag
• Coloring/drawing/painting
• Listening/playing music
• Exercise
• Talking or journaling
• Screaming outside
• Pulling weeds by hand
• Taking a long hot bath
• Relaxation techniques

This information is relevant for adults and children.

Parents remember that YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOK A CHILD WILL EVER READ

“Being” Well
Anger is a normal natural emotional response that everyone experiences. However, how anger is expressed, or in some cases not expressed, can affect people adversely. Rage, the extreme loss of control, is a violet expression of anger, and while anger turned inward can result in physical illness. Learning healthy ways to express anger will enhance one's self respect, as well as improve interpersonal relationships.

Before learning to manage anger it is important to understand it. Anger is a secondary emotion. The underlying primary emotion is just fear. Just as we need food, water and air to survive physically, we also have basic emotional needs. Three basic emotional needs are: (1) the need to loved, (2) the need to have control over one's own life, and (3) the need for knowledge of one's own self worth. When these basic needs are threatened we begin to fear our survival. This fear is often expressed or suppressed as anger. When a person says he/she is angry it is usually due to an underlying fear that one of his/her basic emotional needs is or has been endangered.

After understanding the cause of anger, the next step is to identify situations that tend to produce angry feelings and the intensity of the anger in response to those events. This varies for different people. Once a clear understanding of this is established, anger management techniques can be learned in order to express the anger in an acceptable manner which is neither destructive to self or others.

One thing that makes me angry is when my husband doesn't see that I need more help around the house and with the children. What is my fear and how can I express the anger in an appropriately?
What you perceive as your husband's lack of attention to your underlying need to be loved. Let your husband know how you feel: hurt, emotionally drained, unappreciated, or unloved, then ask for what you want and/or need. There is no guarantee that this will change your husband. However, by not attacking him you will not put him on the defensive for a counter-attack and you will feel better about your response.

How do I know if my anger is affecting my relationship or my health?
If you are your immediate family members or friends cannot answer this question, there are awareness tests and rating scales that you can use to determine your anger intensity in certain situations. The Nacaco Anger Scale is one such tool, it can be found in Dr. H. Weisenger's “Anger Work-out Book.” It may also be helpful for you to consult with a physician or mental health professional if you are having concerns for yourself or a loved one.