Bereavement

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"Being" Well

“Where were you when the world stopped turning?”
Alan Jackson asks this question about September 11th, but for those of you here tonight, it may have seemed as if your world stopped turning the day your loved one died. What the events of September 11th have taught us is that as a nation and as individuals it is important and necessary to grieve in order to heal.

Elizabeth Kublar Ross is renowned for her research on the grief process of terminally ill patients and their families. In her studies she identified five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. A process for dealing with emotions of grief has evolved from her study. Jackson's melody gently guides us through the stages:

Denial-
“Did you stand there in shock?” Denial, like physical shock is protective, it allows the psyche time until a person is ready to deal with the emotional pain.

Anger-
“Did you shout out in anger?” Anger is an uncomfortable emotion for many, but, not an uncommon one. Many feel anger towards another person, nature, or even God.

Bargaining-
“Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer?” It's human nature to want some explanation for things in order to make sense of the unexplainable, this is often accomplished by negotiating a different scenario. Some ask what if I had been a better mother, friend, son, or what if this had happened instead, or God I promise to do this different, if only....

Depression-
“Were you in fear for you neighbor? Or did you just sit down and cry? Did you weep for the children who lost their loved ones? Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor? In a crowded room did you feel alone? Did you close you eyes and not go to sleep?” Depression is probably the most evident and seemingly logical stage of grief, however, it is manifested differently and in varying degrees.

Acceptance-
“Did you look at yourself and what really matters? Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her? Did you dust off that bible at home? Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages or speak to some stranger on the street? Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow? Did you turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns? Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers, stand in line and give blood? Did you stay at home and cling tight to your family?”
Acceptance is where everyone wants to be, and at times each of you may have had a glimpse of that feeling. The reality is that acceptance is not a constant. As people heal they vacillate back and forth between stages. Recently, I had a client who asked, “When am I ever going to stop feeling sad?” My answer was, “You'll always be sad when you think about your loved one and the unfulfilled expectations you had for that relationship. However, as you express and allow yourself to feel, the pain will lessen and acceptance will come easier.”

So the question for many of us here tonight is, “How do I move on; how do I make sense of the loss in order to be able to function normally again?”

• It is important to accept that many of the emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones are normal and need to be expressed. Share these feelings with family, friends, pastors, and professionals if necessary. However, be sure that whoever you speak with is empathic and not quick to give advice to forget and move on.
• Talk with your loved one, keep his/her memory alive. This may be painful, but after the initial pain of sadness, many express that it is helpful. Also let others know that it is okay for them to talk about your loved one in front of you.
• Know that things will never be the same, so don't try to recreate things to be as they were before, it will disappoint you and leave you feeling empty and depressed. Instead try to create new traditions in honor of your loved one.

The holidays are always hard for people who are grieving. The mood is festive and merry, for those who are grieving it can be difficult to explain this to well-meaning friends and family. In order to survive the holiday season, its important to remember that it's normal to express how depressed and sad you feel, to talk about your loved one, to find ways to create new traditions, and as Alan Jackson sings, “Thank God you had somebody to love.”