Communication

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The style of communication that a person uses can affect relationship as well as that person's own self image. There are three basic styles of communication: 1) non-assertive or passive, 2) assertive, and 3) aggressive. Of these three, the assertive style is the most effective for interpersonal relationship and for personal awareness and growth.

The non-assertive or passive communicator often feels taken advantage of, overwhelmed, overly responsible, hurt, anxious, and angry. This person takes on everyone else's requests and is unable to set appropriate boundaries and because of this is emotionally dishonest, self-denying and inhibited. He/she usually speaks in low tones and the body language used is shying, head down, shoulders slouched, with little or no eye contact. The basic message that this person send through his/her communication style is “You're OK, and I'm not OK.”

The aggressive communicator is controlling, blaming, uses power to win, hurt others, is intimidating. This person often feels righteous, and victorious at the time of action, but guilty later. Contrary to the passive communicator this person is direct and emotionally honest but often at the expense of another. He/she uses loud angry tones and points and gets in the face of the listener. The basic message that this person sends is “I'm OK and you're not OK.”

The assertive communicator takes responsibly for his/her actions, wants and feelings. This person feels confident, expresses his/her self honestly, is in charge of self in interpersonal relations and is self respecting while respecting others. The assertive person speaks clearly with a self-assured tone, has good posture and maintains appropriate eye-contact. The basic message that this person send is, “I'm OK and you're OK.”

1. You never help around here, and I do it all. You're lazy, (Aggressive) I feel overwhelmed with so many chores, and I'd like some help. Would you be willing to help me? (Assertive)
2. You're always late. Can't you ever be on time? (Aggressive) I get very frustrated when you don't arrive at the time we agreed on. (Assertive)
3. We'll just do whatever you want. (Passive) I don't agree whit how you want to do this. I'd like to talk about an alternative. Would you be willing to do so?(Assertive)
4. Nobody ever pays attention to me. (Passive) I wish we could talk together now. (Assertive)
5. No, northing's wrong. What makes you think that? (Passive) Yes, I am upset. I think I'm being discounted. (Assertive)